I hang up the phone with the social worker and pondered as I sat outside of the restroom at my office. “My life can really fall apart…” I say to myself as my eyes get watery. What do I do now? Suddenly I am reminded of Luke 22:42 which says 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Jesus was in agony and I’m sure He desperately wanted God to take the agony away. However, He didn’t want what He was feeling to distract Him from carrying out God’s will so He said “yet not My will, but Yours be done.’ His words will forever be a resounding gong in me in all my trials.
I don’t want to do this. I just want to have a peaceful life. I need to establish a life for myself.
It was as if every selfish thought ran through my mind. I was worried about missing work although I have so much flexibility at work. I was worried I may lose my job and won’t be able to afford rent or contribute to savings. I was worried I won’t be able to take on a second job if I kept the one I have. I was worried I’d have to leave my apartment and move in with my aunt.
But then I thought…this is not about me.
His grace is sufficient for me. And if He was able to walk this earth and endure all of the temptations we have and yet not sin and carry out the will of God, then who am I to be? A woman who proclaims to be Christian; a woman who strives to be Christ-like. Am I truly operating in grace? Am I really compassionate?
God gives us trials to test our character and mature us.
But Lord I am so tired of these trials. I know You didn’t promise us an easy life but can I just have a few years of uninterrupted bliss? Is that too selfish to ask? I love my aunt and I’d lay down my life for her! Or will I? To what extent do I have to lay down my life? And why do I feel so alone in this? I know it could be much worse but how come I see most of my Christian friends living the good life? Maybe that’s a generalization, I’m guilty of portraying my life as such. Things aren’t always so good but I praise You regardless. Lord, I honor You and I trust in You. Please reveal to me the mysteries of Your heart?
I want to have a family someday. I want them to be blessed. I want to be a good wife and parent. Why is it that every time I feel I’ve taken a few steps closer to a healthy future I feel like I am taking a few steps back. My father always told me “Life is hard” and I strived not to repeat those words but why does life have to be so hard?
My dad is gone and my mom is in hospice care. My aunt is the closest relative that I have right now and she just experienced her second stroke. This just doesn’t make sense. Lord help me! Help me to rest in Your strength, Your strength which is in me. Fill me with Your grace oh Lord and help me to lean not on my own understanding. My life is in Your hands. Use me to be a blessing to others.
As I prayed today I heard that I am covered. Lord even if You are all I have, I have everything.