I remember lying in my bed when I was younger and simply saying “at least Jesus loves me” and feeling a peace come over me. I didn’t understand it then because I wasn’t a believer. In fact, I wasn’t raised in a Christian home. This is my testimony of how God chose me before I even knew Him. Once I experienced this peace, I began using it more often. When I couldn’t sleep at night because I thought there were monsters under my bed, I would say it and be able to fall asleep. I even shared it with my sister and she experienced the power too but over time life happened and I forgot about this. My life became filled with sin and pain and in the midst, I began to doubt if there was a God.
I often wonder what inspired me to say “at least Jesus loves me” not knowing much about Him and only occasionally attending church. I wonder if I felt unloved in those moments and I needed something greater to wash away that emptiness. Even in my walk with Christ, I sometimes feel this way. In this season in my life, I know that Jesus loves me and He’s shown it in so many ways. Yet I forget and like when I was young allow the cares of the world to come in and overshadow that love.
Yet, I know Jesus’ pursuit of me and His determination to break our cycles. Today is the 4 year anniversary of my father’s death. He passed away a few days before my birthday. We do not know the actual day of his passing but we know the day that he was found in his home – August 12th, 2015. Since then, I’ve experienced cycles of grief. Most times I’m not aware of it but I notice the changes in my emotions when the month of August is approaching and I am preparing for my birthday. I tend to feel very alone as if I have no family or friends or people who love me or understand the pain I am experiencing. I try so hard to move past it, walk in my healing and be empowered. It works sometimes but other times I feel as if I’m just burying it and I get triggered by innocent conversations about family. I feel very convicted about my triggers because not only am I not alone, I have a community of family and friends who love me. Yes, I may not have a united family who are all believers in Christ but I have family and that’s all that matters.
I think the most difficult part of losing a parent is replacing that emptiness with the love of the Father. Sometimes I long to be hugged by or just talk to my parents and do life with them and I can’t. Praise God, my mom can listen to me but my inability to understand her response bothers me. However, I became cognizant of the many ways God wants to bring glory to Himself through trials such as these. He wants us to have a deeper understanding of His love, and to totally lean on His strength. He wants others to see that although we may not have earthly parents, He is a Father to the orphan and He still has a good plan for our lives. He has chosen us and made us radiant and our strength is just a reflection of His. Being able to talk to my mom but not always understand her response (due to stroke) has taught me that although I can not see God and may not always understand His response, He still listens to me. And unlike my earthly parents or anyone else in my life, He will never leave me.
God bless you! I hope this encouraged you, love you!